First Day


I am starting this blog for myself.  It’s cheaper than therapy and I don’t have to put on my make-up, do my hair or even get dressed to come and write.  I’ve alienated so many people by the things I’ve posted on Facebook about my health, and about my feelings about my health…. I decided maybe a blog would be a better outlet.  If perhaps someone finds something here that they can relate to, or something they can laugh at or otherwise find interesting, so be it.  But this time and space is ultimately, for me.

A little about myself….I am 57 years old (in 12 days I will be 58) and I’m married to a wonderful man.  We’ve been together over 30 years.  Long before the Pain Monster came and interrupted our lives.  When we first started out, we were both still pretty young and pretty wild.  We partied hard, loved passionately, and enjoyed life together as often as we could.

I had health issues before I met my husband.  I had been diagnosed with endometriosis and had struggled for years with agonizing pain, treated with Depo-provera and still had problems from that.  But eventually, it settled down to manageable levels of pain and I just tried to forget about it.

Hubby drove a truck cross-country, he hauled furniture for a living, so sometimes he would be gone for weeks at a time.  I lived in our small apartment in a very small town that had probably less than 100 people in it.  Yet it had five bars and lots of party people.  We were within walking distance to most of the bars.  And we frequented them almost daily when he was home, and I frequented them daily when he was not home.  I would not say we were “alcoholics” but our drinking was really getting out of control and it was pretty much all we lived for at that time.  We were young and stupid.  I was coming out of a bad marriage at that time and hubby liked to imbibe during his days off, if for no other reason than he had nothing better to do.

Once in awhile I would get bored sitting around in the apartment hubby & I shared, and so I would take a trip with him.  This was frowned upon by the trucking company he worked for, but he got me clearance to ride along, so I packed a bag once in awhile and headed out on the open road in a rickety old Mack truck with my honey.

One time, we took a long trip down to Florida, where I contracted a terrible flu bug that really laid me out.  I had a high fever, and was sicker than a dog for several days.  Unfortunately there was nothing to do but continue on the trip until the trucking company said he could head home.  I rested as much as possible but was incredibly miserable.  We had been to North Carolina and Chicago on that same trip before I got ill.

I should mention that I was taking anti-thyroid treatment for my Graves hyperthyroidism at the time of the trip….but never considered the ultimately life-changing bad timing of that trip until I returned home three weeks later, with terrible spasming in my back and pain all over my body.  Little did I realize but the doctor had sent me a letter in the mail (that I did not see until three weeks later when we returned from the trip) that I should immediately stop taking the anti-thyroid medication.  I believe that my continued use of the medication in addition to the extreme case of the flu altered my life forever.  I should also mention that I did call the doctor’s office to report my extreme spasming symptoms and the receptionist did not equate the symptoms with my continued use of the anti-thyroid meds and told me to take Tylenol.

Once we returned home, after seeing the letter, I immediately quit taking the anti-thyroid meds, yet my spasming did not stop.  Previous to the trip I had been given radioactive iodine to dissolve my thyroid gland which is a standard treatment used for Graves disease.  I did not worry too much about it and at that point in my life, figured “easy peazy”….swallow a radioactive pill, thyroid problem all gone, continue on with my life…. little did I know what I was in for.

In the days that followed, beginning the day we returned to our little apartment, I continued to experience extreme spasming in my back, neck and shoulders.  At first we just assumed that it was due to the long trip and my severe case of the flu, coupled with the three weeks of being on anti-thyroid drugs that I should not have been taking for that length of time.  Eventually, I called a doctor and made an appointment….which began a 30 year trek of trying to find answers, cures, relief, validation, understanding, and compassion.

To make a very long, painful story shorter….it took me two years of seeking help before I finally found a doctor who figured the mystery of my life out.  He came to my bedside in the hospital and said to me “I think I know what you have.  It’s called Fibromyalgia”.  I will never forget the sense of relief and validation I felt at that moment.  After two years of being patronized, shunned, being called a liar to my face, told I was drug-seeking, told I was making it up, told I was looking for attention, told I was bored and depressed…..someone finally recognized what it was that was making my entire body feel like a gigantic black and blue bruise, 24 hours a day.  I could have jumped for joy.  Until I learned that there was no cure, only drug treatment available.

During those first two years, since I became extremely depressed due to no one being able to figure out what was wrong with me, and putting the cart before the horse and saying I was having pain because I was depressed….they put me in psych wards to try and medicate me to the point of shutting up about my physical pain, basically.  I would spend three weeks in a house of horrors, making ceramic ashtrays and walking around in a drug-induced haze…then be released only to find that my pain was still there and I was still yet undiagnosed….a mystery to the myriad of doctors.  I lived in a halfway house (for ex-mental patients) for several months before I ended up in the hospital again with severe pain, and that’s when they finally got it right.

FIBROMYALGIA.  It was a blessing and a curse.  The blessing was that now we knew what I had.  The curse was that now we knew what I had.  At that point in time (back around early 1980’s), very little was known about fibromyalgia.  They were just beginning to recognize that it may be a valid syndrome (they called it “syndrome” rather than “disease” back then).  With a tremendous stroke of luck, I was referred to a rheumatologist at the U of I College of Medicine by the name of Dr. Alfonse Masi, a world-renowned research doctor who specialized in arthritis and fibromyalgia.  This gentle, kind man, from the moment we first met, became my champion.  He not only believed me when I told him about my pain, but he was sympathetic, compassionate, and tried his hardest to offer tips of how to manage the pain.  His genuine care and compassion nearly brought me to my knees after all the crap I endured from countless arrogant moron doctors who treated me so badly.  I was so grateful to finally have a doctor who understood me.  I saw him as a grateful patient for nearly 25 years until he retired from seeing patients.  Although he was never able to truly offer me anything to cure my pain, his kindness will never be forgotten.

We never did determine if the overuse of the anti-thyroid meds, or the bad case of the flu contributed to the development of my fibromyalgia, but I believe they may have.  That made three separate, specific diagnoses of autoimmune diseases that I had contracted in less than 5 years.  To be continued….

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About teeks55

I'm a sleep deprived antique dealer with fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, diabetes & more. Love hubby, cats, books & humor! Avid tea drinker. Poker player. Pain fighter.
This entry was posted in Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Endometriosis, Fibromyalgia, Health and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to First Day

  1. krittylu5 says:

    Hi! I enjoyed reading your post. I’ll be following you. I’m sorry you have had such a long road. Check out my blog too as it relates to chronic pain as well. It can be found at chronicerratta.com

  2. tlohuis says:

    A lot of your story is strikingly similar to my own. I also suffer from several other invisible chronic illnesses. Doctor’s tell me they all add up to an autoimmune disease, with Lupus being suspect. My first hematologist strongly recommended a consult with a rheumatologist to be considered for a non serilogical Lupus because there is no one real test for Lupus and not all people test positive to the tests they use. I have almost all the symptoms compatible with Lupus. I’ve yet to get the diagnosis. Most rheumatologists refuse to see you once they hear that you have fibromyalgia. My primary care doctore wants me to bring her copies of some of my medical records and said she would take a look at them and see what she thinks. Good luck on your journey. I hope you can find some sort of relief. I practice mindfulness and meditation.

    • teeks55 says:

      Hi, and thanks so much for reading my blog. I am sorry that you have also had such a hard road. According to my Dr. Masi, the rheumy I referred to in my blog that I saw for so many years, I tested borderline for lupus and rheumatoid arthritis for over 25 years. He tested me annually the whole time I went to him, and I never once hit the mark for either one but came very close. I had (and still have) very high inflammation in my blood work. I can barely remember the names of all the tests but one was ANA and another one was C-RP.

      I am sure there is much more going on in my body besides fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis, but sadly, I am to the point now where I am too tired to keep pushing to find out…. my doctor is a nice guy and willing to prescribe me pain meds, but he is not aggressive in trying to figure me out. I have sort of come to the place in my life where it’s almost too much trouble to seek answers anymore. I think I’ve lost the desire to fight and struggle to find out. I wish I did not feel this way but when you’ve fought so hard for 30 years and still have not gotten anywhere, you just lose the fire, the drive to “know” and the need to “fix it”. I feel that I am losing the battle and now at my age, I am not sure that it would pay off no matter how hard I try.

      I know I am sounding pretty bleak, and don’t mean to be so negative….but it is what it is and I am the first to admit that the pain has beaten me down over the years. In the beginning, I used to be a fighter, one that would never give up and never give in…I was bound and determined that I would figure out what was happening to me one way or another, and then find out what to do about it. I no longer have the hope that I once did. I don’t think doctors much give a damn about patients unless there’s a big pay-off, and they don’t really care enough to take the time to dig and search and learn why some patients have such complex maladies and what to do about them.

      So I just take my life one day at a time and try to do the best I can. I try to push the hopelessness out of my mind and try to find joy in each day. Many days I struggle with anger, but then again, many days there is laughter, love and joy. I have a great husband who supports me and puts up with my extreme mood swings. I love to read and I also run a small business (sell antiques online and in an antique mall). Things could always be worse. But as far as seeking help with my health issues, I am sort of done with it all. I’m tired of going to doctor appointments and having blood tests and nothing ever coming of it.

      I hope that you have success in getting the help you are seeking for your illness(es), and that you gain a better quality of life from any treatments you pursue. I wish you the best of luck. xoxo

      • tlohuis says:

        I’m about like you, I’m always saying it is what it is. I’ve even been to the Mayo Clinic which was a big waste of time and money I didn’t have. I’m now permanently disabled. I really don’t believe I’ll ever get the answers I’m looking for. I’m tired of being in and out of the hospital, all the doctor appointments, needles, medications, etc. I’m about over it, myself. I feel like giving up most days. It’s a terrible way to live. I’m still, barely, in my 40’s and feel like I have the body of a 93 year old. I feel I know more about my illnesses than my doctor’s do. I’m just so tired of most of my days being spent in bed. I’m glad that you are still able to find laughter, love, and joy in your life. I do have a grandson who just turned 1 on Sept. 6th. He does bring me such joy that only a grandmother can know. He’s what keeps me going. If it weren’t for him, I don’t know what I would do. I do have a husband and 4 grown children, 2 girls ages 28 and 21, and 2 boys ages 19 and 17. I love them all dearly, but they are at those ages where they really don’;t want to be hanging out with mom. I get very lonely. I do have a lot of really good friends, however I’m rarely able to get out and go visiting or hang out with them. So, it is what it is…………………………………xoxo

      • teeks55 says:

        I am with you girl… we sure sound a lot alike. I don’t have kids, but my antique business gives me so much satisfaction and fulfillment, but I don’t know how much longer I will be able to continue doing it. It’s so much work. Buying the stuff, photographing it (which is a huge process since I am such a perfectionist), editing the pics, uploading them, writing descritpions for each item, listing them on Ruby Lane, then answering emails, packing orders (a huge effort if the items are big or heavy), shipping orders (taking to UPS or PO). Then for the booth at the mall, hauling stuff over there and setting the booth up, re-arranging occasionally to keep it looking fresh. Bringing some stuff home and bringing fresh stuff in.

        I’ve been doing it for 17 years. I absolutely love it. It’s been my passion and I have truly had a ball. I sold on eBay for 10 years then switched to Ruby Lane. Been selling at shops & malls since 1996. If I didn’t have my husband’s support and help, I could not do it. No way.

        I am thinking I am going to start phasing out of the mall and just sell online now because my hubby is 62 and he’s starting to feel his own aches and pains, and I certainly am getting to the point where I can’t continue with the heavy lifting anymore. I only sell smaller stuff online, not furniture like at the mall, and besides the online sales are much more lucrative than the mall, so…..that is the plan.

        I have friends who ask me all the time, HOW do you manage to do this when you are in so much pain? How can you handle it? I tell them, I honestly don’t know. I guess it’s because it’s such a passion of mine that I just decide that I will ignore the pain and push through it, because it’s that important to me. I am willing to pay the price of more pain just so I can do what I want to do. It’s foolish really….but I am just stubborn enough to thumb my nose at the pain and say Screw You I WILL do this and to hell with the consequences. (yes, I’m an idiot LOL) And boy, I do pay, believe me.

        I have severe, chronic tendinitis and plantar fasciitis in my feet and have had it for 10 years. I never realized that I was doing damage to my feet because when I got fibro, they told me it was not going to do any damage and to just not be afraid of the pain. I got it in my head that any pain I felt was probably just the fibro so don’t worry about it….I went to antique markets and was on my feet for 7-9 hours a day, many times…..my feet were screaming but I just turned it off in my mind and continued pushing on….all the while it was NOT fibro at all but acute flare up of tendinitis and plantar fasciitis that was tearing my ligaments to shreds and I had no clue. Now the pain is so severe that I cannot walk for more than 10-15 minutes without having to take a break or use a scooter when I shop or my wheelchair. My feet are totally trashed. I have nerve damage and they are beyond help. And even so, I still sometimes (often) push myself beyond my limits and am on my feet too long, and end up with excruciating, burning fire-like pain in my feet for weeks or months.

        Anyway……I could write a book. As I’m sure you could. It’s a hard life when you have multiple health problems and chronic pain hitting you from every direction. I am sorry that you are dealing with it too. I have to get to bed, hopefully I will be able to sleep….my husband’s truck broke down a few days ago so I have to get up at 7:30am (OMG) to take him to work. It’s been nice chatting with you. Please keep in touch. Thanks for reading my blog, I’m new at this but always loved writing. Will follow your blog. Take care of yourself. xoxo ~ Julie

  3. tlohuis says:

    I’m so glad to hear that you at least have a passion for something that keeps you going. And, that’s not stupid to keep doing that even though you pay double the pain for it later, according to my therapists. They tell me I’m supposed to be getting up and do things and just bring my pain along with me. I’m supposed to acknowledge the pain, then let it go. Seriously? I guess that’s where that mindfulness and meditation and all that stuff come in. I’m still learning about all that. I have fibro, chronic fatigue syndrome, gastroparesis, esophageal motility disorder, IBS, interstitial cystitis, asthma, hereditary hemochromatosis (iron overload), Factor V Leiden (blood clotting disorder), antiphospholipid syndrome, some lupus anticoagulant (?) the first hematologist I went to said I should be considered for a non serologically Lupus because I show all the symptoms. There’s really no one test to diagnose Lupus. There are a few tests they use, but there are a lot of people who test negative to those tests and still have lupus. I have so many doctor’s involved in my care. I kept getting fibroids, polyps, and cysts in my uterus and on my ovaries, along with endometriosis twice, and adhesions twice. With a total of 3 surgeries I ended up with a total hysterectomy. They were trying to save me an ovary because with this factor V Leiden I cannot have any hormones because they can cause blood clots. I’ve had a total of 11 surgeries, 9 of them were within a year and a half. My gallbladder was removed in 2003 because it was only functioning at 30%. Tonsils removed in my early 20’s because I was getting strep every month with abcess. I’m sure I’m forgetting something. I have so much I can’t even remember it all. I have it all written down somewhere. I’m sure I am probably full of adhesions, again, but no one will operate on me because they say they will just come back because every time you go into the abdomen you are most likely going to get adhesions, so unless they wrap around my organs, like they did last time, I have to just suffer with the pain of that on top of all the other pain. Then, of course, there’s depression and anxiety that tend to go hand in hand with all this physical illness. Then there’s the ADHD and PTSD. Let me tell ya, I’m a hot mess. LOL Like you said, I try to live in the moment, one day at a time and sometimes it’s one minute at a time. I’m sure you really didn’t want to know all this crap, nor did I intend to write a book, but there it is, what I can remember anyway. I’ve enjoyed talking with you and hope you will keep in touch. I’m sorry you have to do all the suffering you’re doing, but it is nice to have someone to talk to that can really relate and understand. It’s a crappy club to belong to, isn’t it? I hope you are having a good day. My fibro is still in full force right along with the CFS and gastroparesis (motility disorder). I had to get back on narcotics after taking myself off everything and suffering terrible withdrawals, damn near killed me. My BP dropped to 64/29, I couldn’t talk, walk, or remember anything. I spent 10 days in the hospital and 3 of those days in ICU when my BP dropped. Got off all the pain meds, went through the withdrawals, came home and then I was in some really serious pain. What a dumb ass. I’m right back on the Oxycodone, probably gonna need it forever. I’m just babbling on. I’m a talker. Have a great day! xoxo Tammy If you ever need to just vent or talk and you don’t want to do it in public you can always e-mail me at tlohuis@yahoo.com

    • teeks55 says:

      Well, damn, girl!!! I was horrified to read of your “laundry list” of ailments yet I could so relate, because my laundry list is almost as long. Yes, multiple ailments are a nightmare from hell and so many people look at you and think, oh she doesn’t look that bad. If they only knew.

      I am going to email you about a dear friend of mine on Facebook that has been living through a living hell every day for years since she was butchered by a surgeon and now has abdominal adhesions that are so bad no doctor will touch her with a ten foot pole. She is such a mess inside that she cannot eat solid food most of the time and is in agonizing pain most of the time. She has to wear a binder around her middle every day to hold her guts in place, her abdominal wall has pretty much disappeared. I am not sure of all the technical jargon regarding her case but she is way too young to be living this nightmare and it has been going on for years. She could die at any time from blockages (of which she has already had many) or any number of other complications. The surgeon nicked an organ, can’t remember which one, but she ended up in a coma and nearly died. She has had multiple surgeries and now her adhesions are so bad that every doc she goes to throws his hands up and says, Sorry, not me!! So, being in her early 40’s, she is looking at a possible shortened life span, and also that life span being filled with nothing but agony. She is a wonderful young woman, so brave, she tries so hard to be positive and she has such a big heart. I love her to death. If you do Facebook at all, you should “friend” her. You guys would have alot in common for sure. She also has fibro, lupus, and more.

      Regarding MY laundry list, well let’s see….I have had high blood pressure since my early 20’s (I take 4 blood pressure meds and it’s still high, likely genetic since my dad died at my age of a massive stroke during carotid artery surgery, along with many heart attacks in his 40’s), I have of course the fibro, osteoarthritis, a hemangioma tumor in my lumbar spine, endometriosis ovarian cysts (thought they had turned cancerous a couple years ago, thankfully not after all), eye problems including dry eye & vitreous detachment, severe foot issues (already told you about that), carpal tunnel, sleep apnea, hypothyroid (now that my Graves disease has been treated I am now considered clinically hyPOthyroid which means sluggish metabolism), probably Sjorgren’s disease (dry everything….eyes, mouth, you name it…yet another autoimmune disease), hypermobile joints, hypersensitive CNS (goes along with fibro), borderline lupus & RA, anxiety, depression, extreme mood swings (thanks Dad, he had them too LOL), and like you I am sure I am forgetting something.

      So much of this I’ve had for over half my life so I am actually pretty used to living with varying degrees of pain and the annoyance of multiple ailments. Yet when I drop a fork on the floor and go into a rage, that’s when I realize just how much all this affects me. The littlest thing can make me crazy. I hate that volatility in me, but that is what dealing with so much physical crap does to a person, it changes us in ways that are not pretty. My emotions are all over the place lately and when I flip out for some stupid reason, my husband just lets me have my space and then I get over it pretty quick. Not only the ailments, but all the BS that has gone along with them, like the doctors, their snide comments, being thrown in a psych ward because they couldn’t figure out why I was having pain. That’s a big one, that I have had years of bitterness over. They had me even doubting my own sanity. And then suddenly it’s like, oops we’re sorry, you actually DO have a pain condition….my bad. Sorry we put you in a mental ward! LOL! OMG. I may never get over that one.

      I know my menopausal symptoms are part of this emotional upheaval going on right now as well. So I try to keep everything in perspective and also try to converse with my husband so he will remember everything that we’ve been through together with the pain thing and also so he will remember that I am going through menopause and that is why I react the way I do sometimes. He is a rock but I know even for him, my volatility can be pretty hard to take. I feel bad about it. I try hard to not explode at him or whatever it is that ticks me off. But many times it just comes out of me before I even know what hits me. At least when I do “blow”, it doesn’t last long and then everything gets back to normal pretty quickly. I have my father’s hot temper and after what I have been through, I think anyone would probably have similar issues.

      Anyway, it would seem that you and I have had way more than our share of shit in life and I think we are doing a helluva job keeping our sanity. I am so glad you decided to reach out to me after reading my very first blog post ~ we appear to have a lot in common, if not the exact same ailments, at least we have been inundated with such a heavy burden to carry over the course of many years and we are doing the best that we possibly can. Thankfully I have not had to have as many surgeries as you have, and for that I am extremely grateful, since I have such a terror of having surgery of any kind. I did have a laparoscopy for endometriosis many years back and I recently had an angiogram for my kidney (which they told me was 60% blocked, then they got in there and the surgeon said nothing was blocked at all so I had the whole thing for nothing), but no surgeries to speak of other than that. So I am really sorry you have had to endure so many of them. I’m not sure what all those ailments are that you have, I will have to Google them!

      Hang in there and yes we should definitely keep in touch, I will email you. xoxo

      • tlohuis says:

        Ok now I’m going to flip out because I was right in the middle of a message to you and it just vanished. OMG. That’s one hell of a list of shit you got going on yourself. Geezzzzzz. I was trying to explain gastroparesis to you. You’ll have to look it up because I’m not typing all that again. I had a feeding tube for 9 months because of it. I can’t eat. The diet for gastroparesis is the exact opposite diet as for IBS. It’s a bad thing when food makes you sick. I also had ischemic colitis before. This is lack of blood flow to a part of my intestines and if you don’t get it taken care of the intestine will die. Now every time I go to the ER for abdominal pain, which is quite often, they do a CT scan. I’ve had so many CT scans it’s not even funny, along with a million x rays and MRI’s. I’ve had enough radiation to cause something. The last one I had done last month showed a spot on my liver and now they want me to wait till January and do another CT scan to check on it. I sure hope it’s nothing because if it is, waiting 6 months isn’t going to be good. I really don’t even give a shit any more. Excuse me, but I’m really pissed about that message vanishing like that. Talk about flipping out. LOL As far as the surgery goes, I’ve been begging for exploratory surgery because of this pain getting worse and worse all the time and no one will touch me unless they attach to my organs and pull them out of place like the last time the adhesions attached to my small intestines and drug my small intestines over to my stomach and attached them to the bottom of my stomach. And, they don’t show up on CT scans. All you can see is that your organs are out of place, then they’ll do something and it can get bad because they can strangulate your organs. I swear. I’m so sorry you are going through so much yourself. Did I tell you that I lost my job last year and have been on disability since April of this year. Sucks. I get less than I used to make in a week and my cobra insurance is 700.00/month. Are you on disability? Hell, when they did my hysterectomy and of course it put me right into menopause they said I would be getting hot flashes and all this crap. I have the chills all the time. I keep a jacket in my bed and it’s on with the jacket and off with the jacket all night long. One day it was 97 degrees outside and I had my jacket on because I had the chills. LOL looked like a real idiot. And, don’t think I haven’t had a few trips to the nut house, oh ya. That’s always fun. I don’t cooperate and they try to make me sit by the nurses station on the floor and I refuse and get into more trouble and then they put me in a conference room right by the nurses station so they can keep an eye on me. If I’m going to be in the nut house, I’m going to act like a nut case. LOL There’s nothing better to do in there. I hope I never have to go there again, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time. LOL you have to watch what you say in therapy because they will send you right from their office, that’s happened to me twice. LOL if I don’t laugh I’ll cry. I’m having trouble remembering what I’ve already told you and I’m afraid to scroll back up there and have this damn message disappear on me again. I’m really feeling like throwing up at the moment so I’m going to stop right here for now before I write another book or this vanishes. Definitely keep in touch. Where are you, by the way? I’m in Kansas. I look forward to talking to you again real soon. xoxo

      • teeks55 says:

        OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS!!! LOL!!! I am so sorry that you lost that message, that makes me so mad when that happens, I’ve done it many times too and you just feel like pulling your hair out!! I sat here and read your post and was laughing because you sound so much like me and my temperament, but at the same time, feeling so horribly sad that you have gone through so much torture with the adhesions and all the abdominal stuff. Makes my stuff look like a stroll through the park.

        I am so sorry that you have endured so much. And hey…of course you have been to the nut house, what person could endure so much and NOT go a little crazy??! (not calling you crazy, at least not certifiably crazy LOL) I understand, trust me. I felt like I was going nuts before I got my diagnosis, they made me think I WAS crazy….I thought, well, maybe they’re right. Maybe I am completely looney and the pain isn’t real at all. Well they were wrong, but after they got finished screwing with my mind, I have been slightly “off” ever since. LOL

        And NOW especially, now that I am well into menopause, along with the constant pain and the fatigue and all that….I truly do feel like I’m losing it. So don’t feel all alone. I really should probably go to a therapist to try to deal with everything I’ve experienced, much of which I have not even brought to the table here on this blog….there is much, much more, so many traumatic events that I don’t feel comfortable talking about yet on a public forum, but I’m afraid to go to a therapist for several reasons. I think I can handle things myself but someday, who knows. If things get much worse I may have to consider it.

        Anyway…so damn sorry you lost that original post, but don’t fret about it. I know you are a lot like me, you put your heart and soul into what you write and then when it disappears it feels like someone just slapped your face! Just take some deep breaths, and let it go. You can try to tell me about it another time, I’ll be here.

        I’m so glad we connected here. I already feel like we’ve known each other a lot longer than 2 days!!

        I am in Illinois here, hoping for some rain and a cool down. We have been baking in the heat for so long, everything here is brown and crunchy!! We haven’t had to mow our lawn for a month. LOL

        Hugs and have a good night my friend. xoxo

      • teeks55 says:

        P.S. I forgot to address some of the things you talked about in your post, I’m sorry.

        First of all, I will keep you in my thoughts regarding the spot on your liver. That must be incredibly scary. On top of everything else.

        I am also sorry that you lost your job. I am not currently on disability but if I have to give up my antique business I will most definitely apply. I see it coming sooner rather than later. It will kill me to give it up because I love it, I’m good at it (actually found one thing in life that I’m good at), and I am afraid that if I give it up I won’t have much of a reason to live. I know that sounds melodramatic but it’s the truth.

        Your story about the jacket and how you are constantly putting it on and taking it off made me laugh, I know it is not funny when you are going through it….believe me I do understand because since I had thyroid disease, now I am either so freaking hot I feel like I’m going to spontaneously combust…or else I get so chilled that I cannot get warm unless I heat up microwavable hot packs and put them all over me. I can fluctuate from hot to cold so fast it’s ridiculous. My husband looks at me like I’m nuts because I ask him to turn the fan on, then 5 minutes later, I turn it off and get my sweater! LOL Part of it is menopause too, so I’ve got my messed up metabolism plus diminishing hormones which is not a pretty combination! Wow. LOL

        Anyway, I’m so tired I hope to god I get some decent sleep tonight, I have only had about 5-6 hours of sleep every night for the past week and I need at least 8 or 9 to feel even slightly rested. I am so sleep deprived because of this insomnia thing, I will never be able to get caught up. So I will catch up with YOU maybe tomorrow… have a great night and I hope things get better. HUGS

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