Up All Night (Again)


Well, I had a birthday yesterday. I am now 58 years old. Not sure how I feel about that. I am not one of those women who cringe at the thought of growing older. It doesn’t really bother me all that much. I mean, I’m not thrilled about it, lol, but I recognize it is just part of the cycle of life and it doesn’t make me feel less beautiful or less valuable. That is probably a gift from having a wonderful husband who loves me. He makes me feel those things. He has proven his love for me over and over for 30+ years and one of the benefits of that kind of love is that I don’t mind seeing wrinkles on my face and a little flab here and there. It’s still me, even though my body image is changing. I am grateful that it doesn’t bother me all that much. Of course it would be great if I still looked like I did when I was 21, before the auto-immune diseases started kicking in. But….oh well. I’m actually surprised I’m still alive after all I’ve lived through. So a few wrinkles and sags are not a big deal.

Anyway.  Lately, like the past year or so especially, I’ve been struggling with chronic insomnia. Since I entered menopause around my 50th birthday, things have gone a little haywire. My emotions and moods are much more volatile, and now this new sleep deprivation thing. What a joy. Coupled with all that hormonal upheaval, plus my usual chronic pain from osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia and severe foot problems….and vision changes….and more good stuff….as Gilda Radner used to say, “It’s always something”.

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But this insomnia is a real bitch. Sometimes if I really load up on a good, strong, hefty pharmaceutical cocktail….I just may get lucky enough to get drowsy enough to fall asleep. Sometimes it works, and then sometimes it doesn’t. If it doesn’t I find that I don’t sleep at all, so then I just greet my husband when he arises at 5am to get ready to go to work….chat with him while he drinks his coffee & watches the morning news…..while I progressively feel worse and worse as my brain and body grows more and more exhausted (yet still unable to sleep).

Eventually he heads off to work while I am left here, to wander the rooms of the house, trying to figure out what to do with my miserably tired self. I get in bed once again, put on my carpal tunnel wrist splints, turn on my white noise machine, , take off my glasses, try to find a comfortable position, sigh and then close my eyes and wait. If I’m lucky I might drift off to sleep. If I’m not so lucky, which is more often lately, I might lay for hours with my eyes closed and never manage to find that magic phenomenon called sleep. If that happens, I eventually throw my covers off in frustration, slip my wrist splints off and slam them onto the mattress, put on my glasses, slide into my special comfy house sandals and get up, to roam around again until I can’t stand it anymore and then try the whole routine over again.

A few years ago, my then “intermittent” insomnia would usually cave in at about 4am at the latest, and I would manage to get to sleep around that time. Now I may be up the entire night AND INTO THE NEXT DAY, ALL DAY LONG…. it’s absolutely nuts. I feel like I’m tripping on LSD by that point. If the sleep gods have any mercy on me, I just might sneak in a 1 or 2 hour nap during the afternoon before being awakened. Then the next night I will collapse into a dead sleep from complete and total exhaustion, no pharmaceutical cocktail necessary. I just get in bed and pass out.  And then sleep for 11 hours. Which in turn will cause me to be unable to sleep the next night.

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Well, I’m not sure exactly which one of those days this might be. I am feeling pretty druggy right now, and I could probably have a 50/50 chance of catching a wave of sleep if I got in bed right now with one of my wonderful microwavable hot packs….but, alas, hubby is preparing for work, going from room to room, packing lunch, getting dressed, using the bathroom, drinking coffee, etc.  So to lay down now and try to sleep would be an exercise in futility. Therefore I will wait until he leaves. And hope this hazy foggy brain sludge feeling won’t evaporate before he gets the hell out of here.

This happens at least once or more per week. It is a miserable feeling not to be able to sleep every night. With all of my chronic illnesses it is imperative that I get sleep. Sleep is such an important thing for me and now thanks to menopause, and my fibro sleep disturbances and other difficulties, even my sleep is now eluding me. I feel like the proverbial rabbit chasing the dangling carrot….always just out of reach no matter how hard I try to chase it down.

So, I’ll sit here and read a People magazine or check Twitter or Facebook until hubby goes to work, and pray that today the sleep gods will let me have just a little snooze (at least) so that I can feel like a human being once again.

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About teeks55

I'm a sleep deprived antique dealer with fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, diabetes & more. Love hubby, cats, books & humor! Avid tea drinker. Poker player. Pain fighter.
This entry was posted in Birthday, Fibromyalgia, Health, High Blood Pressure, Insomnia, Menopause, Osteoarthritis, Plantar Fasciitis, Sleep Disorder, Tendinitis and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Up All Night (Again)

  1. Tammy says:

    Hope the sandman visits you with sweet dreams.

  2. shainajohnson538 says:

    I feel your pain! I have suffered with insomnia my entire life. The first two years I had fibro it disappeared but it has come back in the last month. There is nothing more frustrating than fighting for sleep. I wish I had suggestions for you but I am also a house wanderer bleary-eyed crazy person as well! I used to find success in changing clothes, changing the sleep arrangement, changing the pillow or blanket that I was using, taking a hot shower, putting on some lotion, and telling stories in my head. These things no longer work! I am considering a sleep study. I hope you find something that works! I will let you know if I find anything 🙂

    • teeks55 says:

      Hi Shaina and thanks so much for the response. I am sorry that you also deal with this extremely frustrating and miserable issue. I have been told by friends that I need to ask my doc for Ambien but with all the other meds I take I am afraid Ambien might just tip me over the edge of overmedication OR make me do something crazy like go grocery shopping in the nude some night while I am “under the influence” LOL!

      I did manage to get almost six hours of blessed sleep, I just got up at quarter to one this afternoon (oh brother). Now I have to run a pacakge over to UPS and I hope I manage to not drive into a tree on the way! I need at least eight hours of sleep to feel halfway rested, so six hours is not enough, but hey I’m not complaining. It’s kind of a miracle that I actually got this many hours. I am grateful.

      Anyway, thanks again for reading the post and I appreciate your camaraderie with me in the struggle to find that elusive sleep….I hope you find something to help you. I have started adding Valerian into my nightly “cocktail” of meds & supplements, it does seem to help. HUGS xoxo

  3. I feel for you. I don’t have it often but when it happens I can go several days without any sleep. I wish there were some sort of magic to put an end to it for you.

    • teeks55 says:

      Hey there, and thanks so much for the reply to my post. I did manage to squeeze in six delicious hours of sleep, although not enough to truly make me feel rested. At least I now do not feel like a zombie. At least now I feel somewhat human. I will hope for either a nap later or a better night’s rest tonight. I am so sorry that you know the misery of insomnia too. When you miss more than a couple night’s sleep, it’s almost a surreal feeling. Very weird, and not fun. Good luck with your continued quest to get consistent, restful slumber. Thanks again for reading my blog. xoxo

  4. Judy says:

    I remember that my mother used to mop the floors or vacuum or whatever at 3AM. When I asked her why, she said she couldn’t sleep and might as well do something productive instead of lying in bed staring into the darkness.

    When I can’t sleep I use the computer rather than a mop!

    Best to you in your endeavor to get a good night’s sleep!

    • teeks55 says:

      Thanks Judy! I remember a long time ago I got up in the middle of the night for a glass of water and much to my surprise, I looked out the kitchen window and saw our elderly neighbor lady cleaning her window sills….LOL…I nearly screamed. I thought she was nuts. Now….I know why she was cleaning the window sills in the middle of the night. lol Thanks for reading my post!!

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