Well, as usual, my good intentions of staying “down” and “on the couch” for a few days, to try and calm the intense flare up of my feet (chronic tendinitis & plantar fasciitis) last week has earned a big FAIL. Once again, as is so typical of me….. the minute I began feeling just the slightest bit of relief, I could not reign in my need to….. just get up for a second to get this, go grab that, just hop up for a minute to do something else, then to cook a quick dinner, just vacuum the rug real fast….before long, I forgot about staying on the couch at all and now I find myself in so much pain I would not even look down twice if there were actual, literal flames of fire coming out of my toe joints and the entire soles of my feet. Wouldn’t even faze me one bit. Because that is truly what it feels like now.
The question is WHY does a person who is in excruciating pain continue to push herself and keep ignoring the pain signals until it gets to the point where she is knocked completely off her butt and slammed down so hard that there is no longer any question as to who (or what) is going to win this war. And it ain’t gonna be ME. I admit it, I have lost, and lost hard.
It’s just that life keeps on happening. Dirty dishes need to be washed. Dirty laundry needs to be done. Cats need to be fed and watered. My business keeps getting orders that need to be filled, packed & shipped. Meals need to be cooked. And since my husband works 10 hours a day, who else is going to do those things?? I have no children, no friends that can come live with me and take care of our every need. So there’s just me. Whether my feet are on fire or not.
I don’t have time to be ill. I don’t have time to lay down. I can’t take a month off, or a week off, or a day off. Yet here I am, sitting on this couch tonight at 12:43am wondering how I am going to manage to get from here all the way across the house to my bedroom. And once I manage to actually arrive in my bedroom, how in the hell will I manage to sleep when I feel like my feet are covered in burning hot coals. How?
I guess I will learn now that I DO have time to be ill, to lay down, and to take some time off…. because I have dug myself into a deep hole without a ladder. I am in this pit and no matter how bad I want to climb out, I have no way out. The fire that consumes my feet is in a full blaze and is raging out of control. There is no other way out of this but to douse the flames one day at a time, one hour at a time.
I will not be worrying about dishes, or laundry, or vacuuming. Hubby will need to tend to the cats. Since I’m not going anywhere, the laundry is not going to be an issue, because I will be living in my pajamas…..probably for several days. There will not be stacks of dishes to wash since I won’t be able to cook dinner. I will be putting my online shop in “vacation mode” and inform my buyers that I will ship their purchases when I “get back from vacation”. I hate this so damn bad.
I will take deep breaths. I will gather books and magazines and my laptop and my phone and water and snacks around me. I will not jump up for unnecessary and irrelevant things. I will only get up to use the bathroom or if the house is on fire. I will turn a blind eye to cat hair, etc on the rugs. I will not worry about things not getting done. I will take deep breaths. If I can’t do anything then I CAN’T DO ANYTHING. And right now, I can’t do ANYTHING. I hate this so damn bad.
I hope I can pick out some really good books and get absorbed in them. I hope I can enjoy reading People magazine and look at all the pretty Hollywood stars living their wonderful, active lives. Wearing their cute high heeled boots. Hmmm. Maybe I won’t look at the magazines. I wish I could wear high heeled boots. (like that is ever going to happen)
Anyway…..that’s the plan. I want to try and get to the point where the pain not only stops screaming but actually settles down to less than a simmer if I can. I want it to calm down to a nice, quiet purr. And then I want to stop being so stupid once I do get back up again, and take frequent breaks and stop pushing myself so hard so that I don’t end up like this again. I need to learn how to stop the madness. I need to learn how to relax without guilt or the compulsion to jump back up again, the minute I sit down.
One thing that I have learned, every time this has happened over the years, and I keep learning it the hard way……is that I can never, EVER out run pain. The pain monster always wins. Pain is always obeyed. Never ignored for long. My stubbornness will not conquer it. My rebelliousness won’t beat it. I guess this must be one of those life lessons that I need to learn from. I just hate it so damn bad.