Type “A” Hits a Brick Wall…


Well, as usual, my good intentions of staying “down” and “on the couch” for a few days, to try and calm the intense flare up of my feet (chronic tendinitis & plantar fasciitis) last week has earned a big FAIL. Once again, as is so typical of me….. the minute I began feeling just the slightest bit of relief, I could not reign in my need to….. just get up for a second to get this, go grab that, just hop up for a minute to do something else, then to cook a quick dinner, just vacuum the rug real fast….before long, I forgot about staying on the couch at all and now I find myself in so much pain I would not even look down twice if there were actual, literal flames of fire coming out of my toe joints and the entire soles of my feet. Wouldn’t even faze me one bit. Because that is truly what it feels like now.

The question is WHY does a person who is in excruciating pain continue to push herself and keep ignoring the pain signals until it gets to the point where she is knocked completely off her butt and slammed down so hard that there is no longer any question as to who (or what) is going to win this war. And it ain’t gonna be ME. I admit it, I have lost, and lost hard.

It’s just that life keeps on happening. Dirty dishes need to be washed. Dirty laundry needs to be done. Cats need to be fed and watered. My business keeps getting orders that need to be filled, packed & shipped. Meals need to be cooked. And since my husband works 10 hours a day, who else is going to do those things?? I have no children, no friends that can come live with me and take care of our every need. So there’s just me. Whether my feet are on fire or not.

I don’t have time to be ill. I don’t have time to lay down. I can’t take a month off, or a week off, or a day off. Yet here I am, sitting on this couch tonight at 12:43am wondering how I am going to manage to get from here all the way across the house to my bedroom. And once I manage to actually arrive in my bedroom, how in the hell will I manage to sleep when I feel like my feet are covered in burning hot coals. How?

I guess I will learn now that I DO have time to be ill, to lay down, and to take some time off…. because I have dug myself into a deep  hole without a ladder. I am in this pit and no matter how bad I want to climb out, I have no way out. The fire that consumes my feet is in a full blaze and is raging out of control. There is no other way out of this but to douse the flames one day at a time, one hour at a time.

I will not be worrying about dishes, or laundry, or vacuuming. Hubby will need to tend to the cats. Since I’m not going anywhere, the laundry is not going to be an issue, because I will be living in my pajamas…..probably for several days. There will not be stacks of dishes to wash since I won’t be able to cook dinner. I will be putting my online shop in “vacation mode” and inform my buyers that I will ship their purchases when I “get back from vacation”.  I hate this so damn bad.

I will take deep breaths. I will gather books and magazines and my laptop and my phone and water and snacks around me. I will not jump up for unnecessary and irrelevant things. I will only get up to use the bathroom or if the house is on fire. I will turn a blind eye to cat hair, etc on the rugs. I will not worry about things not getting done. I will take deep breaths. If I can’t do anything then I CAN’T DO ANYTHING. And right now, I can’t do ANYTHING. I hate this so damn bad.

I hope I can pick out some really good books and get absorbed in them. I hope I can enjoy reading People magazine and look at all the pretty Hollywood stars living their wonderful, active lives. Wearing their cute high heeled boots. Hmmm. Maybe I won’t look at the magazines. I wish I could wear high heeled boots. (like that is ever going to happen)

Anyway…..that’s the plan. I want to try and get to the point where the pain not only stops screaming but actually settles down to less than a simmer if I can. I want it to calm down to a nice, quiet purr. And then I want to stop being so stupid once I do get back up again, and take frequent breaks and stop pushing myself so hard so that I don’t end up like this again. I need to learn how to stop the madness. I need to learn how to relax without guilt or the compulsion to jump back up again, the minute I sit down.

One thing that I have learned, every time this has happened over the years, and I keep learning it the hard way……is that I can never, EVER out run pain. The pain monster always wins. Pain is always obeyed. Never ignored for long. My stubbornness will not conquer it. My rebelliousness won’t beat it. I guess this must be one of those life lessons that I need to learn from. I just hate it so damn bad.

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About teeks55

I'm a sleep deprived antique dealer with fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, diabetes & more. Love hubby, cats, books & humor! Avid tea drinker. Poker player. Pain fighter.
This entry was posted in Anger, Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Endurance, Fibromyalgia, Flare Up, Focus, Health, Inner Strength, Life Journey, Life Path, Osteoarthritis, Pain Medication, Pain Scale, Plantar Fasciitis, Tendinitis, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Type “A” Hits a Brick Wall…

  1. tlohuis says:

    Well hi there my rebellious friend. Now aren’t we just 2 peas in a pod. That all or nothing syndrome will get ya every damn time. I suggest you get your ass on the floor and crawl to your bedroom, young lady. Sounds like you will be having the exact same kind of weekend I’ll be having. I’ve got all my shit right here on the bed next to me to occupy me and to keep me under control. I’ve got books, magazines, paper, lots of paper cause I have a lot to write about. I’ve got my drugs, Powerade, kleenex for when the tears decide to roll down my cheeks, my heating pad, my cell phone, laptop, of course, and whatever else is under that heap. Now doesn’t that sound fun? LOL I’ll be thinking about you and you better get to crawling and stay off those feet. So, you have the best weekend possible and I’ll try to do the same.
    Peace and hugs,
    Tammy

    • teeks55 says:

      Hey girlfriend, I was about to ask you what the heck are you doing up at this hour then I about smacked myself in the head and said to myself, What do you think she’s doing up, dummy?? LOL Same reason I’M up, because we are in pain!! DUH!! LOL We (hubby & I) were supposed to go to the flooring place tomorrow (I mean later today) to order our new kitchen flooring and get an appt set up to install it, we need to move on this because fall is here and I want to get this done before winter. We also planned to pick out a remnant of vinyl flooring for a bathroom (these floors desperately need to be done) tomorrow (I mean later today LOL)…..but hey guess what?? Can’t do it!!! Can’t walk!! Yippee!! Foiled again!! Grrrrrrrr!! I’m so mad I could scream. But I am trying (like you) to keep my head together and just ride this storm out because if I throw a fit it will serve no purpose other to get my blood pressure up and that’s like all I need. Anyway, thanks so much for reading my posts, I read your latest one tonight and it broke my heart, I know how bad it can be and it’s so frustrating, so scary, so maddening, so depressing…..just know that I’m right there with you this weekend, not having fun at all, just waiting for the tide to turn so I can get off this damn couch!! I hope you start feeling better and try to take care and be good to yourself. xoxoxo

      • tlohuis says:

        Well, it looks like you went and messed up the whole damn weekend, didn’t ya? LOL Now, throwing a fit sometimes really feels good, like when I trashed my room twice in a week, here a few weeks back. Now, that’s not my normal behavior. I hadn’t pulled a stunt like that since I was about 15, but I must say it did feel good. It’s still all over the floor till this passes cause I number one will kill myself picking it up and in this state of mind I might just do it again, so I’ll just leave it there until I fall and break my neck, probably. I told you to get your ass on the floor and crawl to your bed. You will be much more comfortable. Now, how all your stuff is going to get in there is a different story. LOL Hopefully, I’ll get my act together here in a few days and can try to act normal for a few days before the next storm rolls in, if this one ever leaves for a minute. I’ll be alright cause I got you on this wonderful journey with me. And, for right now neither one of us is going anywhere. I hope those feet of yours start feeling better soon so you can at least walk. I’m sure we’ll be chatting again tomorrow, I mean later today. Try to get some sleep. I’m going to give it a try here in a minute, but I don’t think it’s gonna work with this pain, but I’ve been awake forever so I could probably have another dose of my pain med.
        I think that’s just what I’m going to do. You better behave yourself over there and stay on that damn couch or bed if you can make it there.
        Hugs,
        Tammy

  2. teeks55 says:

    LOL…..okay, I’m headed that way (bedroom)….wish me luck! Picture this…what I need is one of those flat furniture dollies that have wheels on them….I could just sit or lay on it and roll myself down the hallway ROFL!!! I’m getting punchy now. I’m gonna just call the guy at the flooring place this afternoon and have him go ahead and order the kitchen flooring we want from the manufacturer, I’ll give him a credit card number over the phone and at least we can get something accomplished. And we’ll set up an appt too, hopefully the week of the 14th when hubby will be home so if I am still “down” then hubby can oversee the work and I can stay on the couch. I can feel the meds starting to kick in so I better try to go lay down and close my eyes, I don’t know if I can sleep but I need to try. I’m so sorry you are going through hell too but I’m glad not to be alone in this!! Talk soon. HUGS xoxo

  3. teeks55 says:

    P.S. Trashing a room sounds like fun, actually. My husband would be the one to have to clean it up though so probably better not. He would not find that amusing whatsoever. He would understand my reasoning behind it, but he still would not appreciate me doing it. LOL Okay, good night Irene. xoxo

  4. You know, I think we all have a little touch of the “all or nothing” syndrome. I think we all have a tendency to get as much done when we feel good to make up for what doesn’t get down when we feel like crap, an attempt to get ahead of the game maybe. In theory it’s a good idea however, in real life its another story isn’t it? Blink once and that list of 5 things to do doubles to 10, blink a second time and the list is suddenly even longer. Hope you’ve gotten some rest. 🙂

  5. teeks55 says:

    You are oh-so-right about the tendency we have to try to cram a week’s worth of activity/work/fun/etc into a short “window” of opportunity…..when we feel halfway decent, I know for me, I just go like the wind, running running running, trying to outrun the Pain Monster before he catches me and slams me to the ground. You would think after 32 years that I would be smarter about it….but in my head I’m still that stubborn 27 year old that is so mad and so determined to win…..I still haven’t realized that I never will and I never can. It’s so disheartening when I get slammed down with a gigantic flare….but maybe one day, I will finally learn and understand, I will pace myself, I will only do a little at a time, and spread my to-do list out over the course of several days instead of trying to get it all done at once. I love to stay busy, it’s my personality….I hate laying around, it’s my least favorite thing to do. It’s hard for me to stay still just to watch a 2 hour movie. Even if I feel lousy, I might lay down for an hour in the afternoon, but then I pop back up when another idea hits my brain. Maybe I’m hyperactive….lol….I don’t know. Maybe I’m just stupid. LOL Anyway…….thanks so much for reading my post, and thanks also for your response. You couldn’t be more right in what you said…..it’s very true. Hope you have a great weekend!! xoxo

  6. dawnhosking says:

    Unfortunately for me I like to learn the hard way too! I suppose it’s because I have always been organised and tidy etc 😉

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