The Fear of Pushing Too Far…..

I’m getting ready to visit a rheumatology Nurse Practitioner in the next couple days. I have a long list that I will be bringing, because it’s been quite awhile since I’ve seen anyone regarding my pain. woman-doctor1 I have fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, a hemangioma tumor in my lumbar spine, I have been borderline lupus & RA for over 30 years, have high inflammation in my body (blood work has showed this for years, since my 20’s). I have severe and chronic plantar fasciitis and tendinitis in my feet. I also believe that I have now developed Sjogren’s disease because I have had extreme dry eye & dry mouth for over 3 years now. I have a lot to talk about at this upcoming appointment.

Along with being worried about what kind of reception I will receive from this new-to-me caregiver, I expect that I will also be sure to receive the suggestion that I should try some form of “exercise”. As if I have never heard that one before. (lol) Not trying to be sarcastic but when you’ve lived with pain for this long, you’ve pretty much heard it all. Doing some form of exercise is not a new concept. And I’ve tried pretty much everything, with….let’s say, not-so-great results.

ie: One thing I have tried was warm water arthritis classes at a very large local hospital. In the warm water, it felt great to move and stretch. I tried to go as gently as possible. But while in the water, somehow I was not able to gauge exactly how much my muscles were “protesting” and so when I would get out of the water and begin to get dressed….I would begin experiencing rebound pain like you would not believe. By the time I drove home, my hamstrings (especially) along with the rest of my body would be in severe distress. It would take me 2-3 days to recover…..just in time for another class. I kept going for months, thinking maybe it would eventually calm down, but it never did. I always tried to do each exercise as gently and slowly as I could, and while in the water it was like heaven…to be able to move my body without the stress of gravity was delicious…..but afterwards was when the Pain Monster would twist me up in a knot and I was miserable.

I have recently been thinking about yoga again. I have done some beginner yoga in the past and absolutely loved it but the same thing would happen….rebound pain. So after that continued for a couple months, I gave up.

I lost about 60 lbs. a few years ago and have kept it off, so now I am wondering since I have lost some of my excess weight, whether or not I should give yoga another try. triangle I really love some of the poses and they feel so wonderful….but the fear of pushing too far and getting that nasty rebound pain scares me so much that I’m reluctant to try again. I have spoken briefly about it to a fellow blogger and also viewed several “beginner yoga” videos on Youtube, and I want to try again so badly. But I think I will wait until after my appointment because I need to find out specifically about what is going on in my lumbar spine. I know I have a hemangioma tumor within the spinal column (supposedly just a benign vascular mass, detected a couple years ago via MRI), but I need to know if it might be growing (feels like it could be, feels like a rock in there) and/or if I have osteoarthritis in there too. I am pretty sure there is osteo as well.

So anyway…..when (not IF, but WHEN lol) the nurse practitioner clears me for exercise, I will tell her of my past experiences and mention yoga. I expect that she will say it’s okay. But then when I get that yoga mat out and get ready to begin….I will have to get my head focused and not only move as gently and slowly as possible, but also deal with the fear of doing too much and going too far.

I am a person that always goes 150mph, at least I used to before the Pain Monster came to live inside of me. I am a Type A personality. Outdoor Running Series I have a hard time reigning in my desire to push myself to the limit, no matter what it is. I know in my head that I have to be careful, but there is something inside of me that wants to see how far I can go….and that is the part of me that I find very difficult to control. It’s truly difficult to have this kind of intense “drive” when you are stuck in a body that cannot do much of anything without being “rewarded” with extreme and protracted pain. In fact, it makes me crazy most of the time. Probably why I have such a short fuse and get irritated at small things so often.

If I do decide to give yoga a try, I will hopefully be smart enough not to foolishly push myself beyond what my limits are. I hope that common sense will be what guides me through each pose. I pray that this part of me that wants to push myself hard will settle back and recognize that just one wrong move could really mess me up. These conflicting feelings inside of me have caused a lot of physical and mental anguish in the past. I never seem to learn my lesson. I don’t know what it is that keeps me pushing so hard….I guess it’s just the rebel in me. I’m so much like my dad.

Anyway, one step at a time. First things first. I need to get an xray and/or an MRI for my lumbar to see exactly what is going on there. Also would like an MRI for my feet, to see how much damage there really is and have that documented. My feet and my lumbar are two of the biggest issues I will need to discuss.

Then we will have to address the extreme and worsening pain from fibro and osteo. I am already on daily hydrocodone for my pain but eventually I will need something stronger. prescription I will have to check the vibes I get when I talk to her about my pain. Every medical professional has his or her own ideas about how they feel about opiate or narcotic pain meds.  I hope this one doesn’t balk at prescribing these drugs because I will need either a higher dose of the hydrocodone soon or else something stronger. I really hope she doesn’t give me a hard time, because I don’t have the energy, the patience or the time to dance around the issue of drugs. After 30 years, I know what I need to be able to function, and don’t want to argue about it with anyone.

So, we shall see what the future holds. When I think of trying yoga as a possible therapeutic regimen, I get equally excited and fearful. My body is so extremely sensitive to everything….(and I hate that so much, GRRRR!)….but it is what it is. I hope it will work out. I am willing to try….one more time.


About teeks55

I'm a sleep deprived antique dealer with fibromyalgia, RA, diabetes & more. Love hubby, cats, books & humor! Avid tea drinker. Poker player. Pain fighter.
This entry was posted in Arthritis, Challenges, Changes, Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Dealing With Doctors, Diagnosis, Fear, Fibromyalgia, Focus, Health, Hope, Hyper-Sensitivity, Individualism, Life Journey, Life Path, Medical Community, Medication, Narcotics, Osteoarthritis, Pain Medication, Pain Scale, Past Experiences, Plantar Fasciitis, Tendinitis and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to The Fear of Pushing Too Far…..

  1. Good luck with the new to you practitioner! I know exactly what you mean about overdoing it in the exercise dept. I’d done that more times than I could count. These days I take it slowly, I love yoga and I’m finding that by progressing at a slower pace is actually more enjoyable and by the time I’m done a workout I feel completely renewed. If something hurts, I back off a little rather than push through, it’s made a world of difference!

    • teeks55 says:

      Oh I want to do it so much. I absolutely abhor not being able to do some form of exercise. My body is crying out for movement, but I feel paralyzed with fear. Yet I still think about yoga. I will hopefully be able to give it a shot soon!! Thanks so much for your response and thanks for reading!!

  2. Well, I do hope all goes well when you visit your new practitioner. I understand how frustrating all of this can be. I got so frustrated with the fibro pain and all the narcotics they prescribed me, leaving me so lethargic, I had to stop taking them in order to have a half-way sane life. Now, I take nothing, and yes, I suffer dearly. I tried Yoga for 4 years, and it helped a little. My current ortho doctor sugested I try Tai Chi, and it works very well. I am curious about your possible eye disease, keep me updated on that as well.
    Stay well, and by all means, stay positive.

    • teeks55 says:

      Thanks Barbara! I do have dry eye, also have what they call Vitreous Detachment (a fancy term for huge floaters, and a lot of them, which compromise my vision)….have been extremely nearsighted since I was a little girl (I’m 58 now), which makes me at high risk for retinal detachment. My vision really worries me. I have so much going on in this body, my mind just spins sometimes…. Thanks so much for your comment and thank you also for reading my blog. 🙂

      • It amazes me to see how challenges, especially health challenges, changes us. Since having fibro, gerd, IBS, osteoarthritis, Sjorgens, and whatever else they are trying to determine that I have, I have learned to be more compassionate with others. I take more time in trying to listen, instead of talking, and to smile more, than to worry. I try to think more positive than negative, though — this is difficult at time, but I have succeeded thus far. Chronic pain and any disease or condition that imposes itself on your life, is much to bear. We struggle not to burden anyone with our fears, yet we need to vent to express our pain, and fears. In reading your message, I hear your strength and kindness, in spite of your worrying, which I do understand. I worry about my eyes, since I have been diagnosed with this Sjorgens. Surely, we want to see our way around, we do not want to be completely helpless. I pray that you do not have a detachment, and that your eyes will be healed. Do not hesitate to keep in touch. Talking is good. Thanks for your reply.
        PS: How and where did you get a smiley?

      • teeks55 says:

        Hi Barbara, and thanks for the reply. P.S. The smiley….just put a semi-colon and then a ) next to each other and you will get a smiley. If you want a laughing smiley, just put a semi-colon and a capital D and it will come out as a laughing smiley ( or a wide smile) 🙂 You can try sending me one and I will let you know if I got it. It might be later though, I have got to lay down now. HUGS and thanks again for the message. xoxo

      • Hi, I know how to do the smiley with semi colon and ). Your smiley is round and yellow. How did you get this one? 🙂

      • teeks55 says:

        same way….it will show up as a yellow smiley.

  3. Nicola Kirk says:

    Good luck with the health-check and with taking it slowly… I guess with everything you’ve been through, you know your limits best. Thanks for the follow, I look forward to keeping up with your writing. 🙂

  4. jenusingword says:

    Any way you could do yoga with a friend or trainer even so you have someone there to help you not overdo things? I can relate, I’m type a to the 10th power with OCD and ADD. Chronic pain doesn’t complement either and the depression and anxiety comes from the pain and fear of more pain, I think. Good luck with the new doctor. I will send what good, positive vibes I have left your way!

    • teeks55 says:

      Thank you Jen!! Will see what the nurse practitioner says on Friday about the yoga. Not sure I can handle it but will try if I can. Yeah it sucks to be stuck in these stupid bodies!! I’m thankful for all the support I’ve found online….so thank you for taking the time to comment and for reading my blog!! xoxo

      • jenusingword says:

        Same here, I appreciate when someone comments or engages others too. The support has made me feel less alone. Reading about your struggles and others makes me realize this is not just happening to me! I will keep my fingers crossed for you, kitten! Many thanks!

      • teeks55 says:

        Thanks Jen, have a good night my friend. 🙂

  5. joynpain2 says:

    Have you thought about physical therapy? Most of the stuff they give me to do is modified yoga moves. Also, there are yoga instructors who were originally trained as physical therapists who can look at your limitations and give you a personalized routine modified for your personal disabilities. I’ve been thinking about going to one of those, but since my PT also teaches yoga, I feel like I would be stepping on her toes (of course the exercise I do at home shouldn’t matter as long as I’m still doing her stuff, right?). Good luck darlin’. Let us know how it goes!

    • teeks55 says:

      Yeah, PT has not been a good experience for me in the past either…..but I bet $100 that the NP will suggest it. I am not sure I can handle doing something that someone else expects me to do. I know my body and if they start telling me, Come on, you can do it, blah blah blah….I cannot & will not be pushed when I know my own limitations. I hope she doesn’t push me to do PT. I’m better off trying things on my own. Other people have no clue how hypersensitive and incredibly unforgiving my body is. I don’t trust anyone to get near me, let alone tell me what exercises they want me to “try”. Scary. Can’t do it. But anyway…..thanks for the suggestion, I do appreciate it. P.S. My fear comes from years of trying stuff like PT… has never worked for me before, so I am too afraid to try it now.

  6. Katarina says:

    I absolutely relate to that fear of pushing yourself- and had similar experiences with yoga and aquafit. One thing to try might be tai chi. It’s slower and gives you more time to check in. Also less switching between poses which is gentler. I like ‘Tai chi for arthritis’ by dr paul lam – at home dvd.

  7. dawnhosking says:

    I think it wise to have your appointments first and see where you are at, especially with your lumbar spine. I hope the new care giver is compassionate and understanding, good luck 😉

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