After you’ve lived with chronic pain for many years, it’s hard to keep your spirits up. Hard to cope. Hard to deal with living in a private prison where no one really knows what you are going through.
But what’s even worse than living with that familiar, daily, hourly pain…. is when new pain strikes somewhere in your body. Pain that comes to a new site in your body, where before there was no specific pain. Fresh pain in a fresh joint or muscle….that is an insult that is almost more than you can bear. It’s harsh, it’s cruel.
A couple weeks ago, my thumb joint somehow got aggravated, sprained, whatever…..I was packing an order and the arthritis in my hands makes it really hard to pack orders. I don’t remember doing anything specific. But for the past two weeks, I’ve had to wear a thumb splint on my hand to try to keep the thumb immobilized. Otherwise, if I move it a certain way, I will literally yelp out loud from the sudden, shocking pain. It’s been not only a nuisance, but a double whammy. I have felt resentful, thinking to myself, that I already carry enough stupid pain in my body, now this?? Really?
Well, guess what…..a few days ago, my right knee got involved. My knees have arthritis, but for a long time they have been “quiet”. I used to have a lot of problems with my knees, but not for a long, long time.
The other day, I had been sitting on the floor taking photos of some items (I sell antiques online) and when I got up, I used a pillow and got on my knees to then get up off the floor. Evidently my right knee did not appreciate the insult, and shortly thereafter began zapping me with sharp, severe pains and soreness for the past couple days. The pain is getting more frequent and my knee is now reminding me of years ago when it blasted me with mind-blowing pain for months and months. I am now trying to come to terms with the fact that I have now aggravated this old pain and awakened the monster in my knee as well as my thumb.
So now…..I have the usual all-over, body wide pain from the fibromyalgia, joint pain from arthritis in my hips, lumbar spine, fingers, feet and knees. My thumb is sprained (I guess) and my right knee is at this moment in time causing acute pain, probably soon to turn into chronic pain again.
This is such a punch to the gut. I am already overwhelmed by the daily pain I have. I am depressed, angry and bitter. I am not pleased with my attitude but I seem to have exhausted all my positivity (is that even a word?). I am not one of those wonderful people who always face pain with grace, bravery, dignity and some sort of ethereal, other-worldy ability to float above their terrible burden with a look of peace and acceptance on their faces. I am not like that. I am angry and I am pissed off. More than that, I am depressed beyond any words I put on this blog. I am exhausted by the toll the pain takes on me already. To add to that which I already carry is just seriously too freaking much. I am waving the white flag. I surrender. I am letting the Fates know that I bow under the oppression of this agony. I am not strong. I am not able. I am not going to struggle. I’ll just lay my body down and allow it to do whatever it wants to do to me. I can’t fight this. It’s more powerful than I am. This is how I feel at this point in time. I am not proud of this, but I feel beaten down. I feel like the punches to the gut just keep coming, over and over and over. I am so tired.
I can’t concentrate to read. I don’t want to watch television. All I can seem to do right now at this moment in time is just lay in my bed and stare at the walls. I listen to the police scanner in my room, listen to the dispatchers tell the cops about what crimes are being committed in the city, and listen to the cops tell the dispatchers when they have captured the criminals. It’s a distraction. But even that becomes just white noise in my head after awhile, and I find myself with my eyes closed, not sleeping, just laying there with nothing in my head at all.