The Erosion of a Life and a Mind ~ Part Five


ero·sion

noun \i-ˈrō-zhən\

: the gradual destruction of something by natural forces (such as water, wind, or ice) : the process by which something is eroded or worn away.

Related Words
breakdown, decay, decomposition, disintegration, dissolution
My dad eventually ended up divorcing Laura, and marrying Barb.  I could not understand what my dad saw in her.  She had her nose so far up in the air, she thought she was better than most people, had such an attitude of superiority…..I really wanted to ask my dad, Why??  Why this woman?  Is this really what you want to spend the rest of your life with?  My mom figured it out right away.  She told me it had to be the money.  Barb came from a very rich farm family, she was an only child and was set to inherit a vast fortune some day.  I could not understand, even with the money situation, why any person would want to live with such a bitch.  But my dad seemed happy, because she treated him like a king.  And of course, I dare not confront him, question him, or do anything other than smile and agree that everything was grand. 
They bought a fancy new house in Country Club Estates.  Drove Cadillacs.  Fancy clothes.  Nice vacations.  All the amenities of a rich, well-to-do couple.  My sister and I got postcards from Hawaii, the Bahamas, Florida, etc….letting us know that they were having a wonderful time.  I would look at the postcards and seethe with rage.  As if I wanted to hear how great their lives were.  As if they thought I cared what a wonderful time they were having on one of their many vacations.  I tore the postcards up and threw them in the trash.
My sister and I continued to go to our weekly visitations.  Barb would prepare sumptuous meals with lots of fattening food, high calorie and rich.  I thought to myself, this is probably not the best kind of food to prepare for a man who has already had two heart attacks.  But again, I had to keep my mouth shut.  Just smile and eat and rave about the delicious food.  Barb would just smugly smile and dote on her wonderful new husband.  She was putting on a real show.  Dad seemed smitten with her and seemed on top of the world.  I just wanted to hurry up and eat and then get the hell out.
My boyfriend at church and I were getting more serious.  I felt like I wanted to commit to him so that I would have someone to be with and hold on to.  We set a date for the wedding. 
I went over to Dad’s house to discuss some of the costs, since he wanted to pay for most of it, being the bride’s father and all.  So we got together in the family room at his house and of course Barb was right there, perched on the edge of the couch next to dad.  I was sitting in the chair across from them.  I specifically looked right at Dad, (not Barb) and asked him if he wanted to set a price limit on a wedding gown.  I asked him what price I should keep it under.  Without missing a beat, Barb butted right in and said…..”Well, I think you should just keep it at…”  and before she said another word, I just looked over at her and said in a firm voice…..”I asked Dad, not you!”.  And the room got extremely quiet.  Dad had this funny look on his face like he could not believe that I said that.  Barb’s eyes were huge and her mouth was hanging open.  I waited for the shit to hit the fan.  But Dad said in a very quiet voice, “Well, really I don’t know what the dresses even go for, so whatever you want to spend is fine”.  I nodded and said Okay.  I did not make eye contact with Barb at all, and continued to discuss a few other things with Dad, who looked like he had been sucker punched.  I was scared beyond belief because I had never spoken up for myself before, but at that moment in time I could not have kept my mouth shut.  I thought How dare she try to butt into this conversation!!  She should have excused herself from the room, but instead she tried to overtake the conversation!  I could not have kept my mouth shut if I tried.  It was a small victory.  The world did not end.  My Dad did not die.  He did not kick my butt across the room.  I had spoken up for myself and shocked everyone in the room, including myself.
My boyfriend became my husband in a large wedding in November.  It was a big affair, held in the church, of course.  There was no alcohol, no dancing.  Just a reception in the church basement.  My Dad appeared uncomfortable being in a house of God.  I was uncomfortable too.  On what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, I felt oddly unsure that I had made the right decision marrying this man.  I wasn’t even sure that I loved him.  I questioned my own  choice, but realized it was too late now.  We were married in the sight of God, so that was that.  He was such a nice guy, but…..  Anyway, I thought to myself, it will be okay.  We will be together and he will take care of me.  I won’t ever be alone again.  I was still spiritually a mess, but thought with my husband’s help, I would eventually find my way back to that initial peace and joy that I once had.
His uncle happened to be a doctor, and I needed birth control so he fitted me with an IUD.  My husband’s father was also a physician up in Chicago and we visited him and his family (his dad was divorced from his mother).  His dad lived in a very large fancy house, complete with a new wife and a few sons.  He believed that my husband should make money on his own, and did not give him any money to help us with our bills, even though he knew we were really struggling.  He made it clear that he would not be giving handouts.  I thought he was a little harsh, but whatever.  Evidently he had washed his hands of my husband; he had a new family now and really couldn’t be bothered by his old life.
Since my husband didn’t have much money, we ended up moving into a small apartment for a few months.  Soon he got a job further away  in another town south of where we currently were, which would require us to move.  I had lived all my life in the town we were currently in, but even though I would be leaving my friends and family, I thought it would be exciting and fun to move away.  And I could escape all the bad memories and start fresh.  So off we went.
About this time I began having some female problems and went to see a doctor.  He examined me and told me that my IUD had been placed “wrong” and needed to come out.  He told me I was lucky I had not gotten pregnant since it was not placed correctly.  I nearly freaked out but was counting my blessings.  A child was the last thing I needed.  So I had the IUD removed and instead started taking the pill.  I told my husband that his uncle evidently did not know what he was doing when performing gynecological procedures.  My husband just shrugged and didn’t seem that concerned.  I wanted to call the uncle up and let him know.  But I never did.
Later I found out that I had developed endometriosis.  I had always wondered if it was due to the misplaced IUD.  I had a laparoscopy done, and even though there was not a lot of endometrial tissue present inside of me, I was in a lot of pain, as is the case sometimes with endo.  So they treated me with the standard treatment at the time, Depo-provera.  No one told me that it could cause strong mood swings and depression.
The apartment we found to live in, when we moved downstate, was in a large apartment complex.  The apartment was big and I was happy with it.  I got a job at the same shoe store that my husband was managing.  The store was in a mall.  It was boring work.  We didn’t make much money, so eventually we had to move out of the big apartment and into a trailer in a trailer court.  We were really scrimping, and still were barely making ends meet.  My husband had found a church to go to but I chose not to attend.  I was feeling pretty hopeless by that time regarding my spirituality.  I felt like I had given things a good shot, but never did regain the peace and joy that I had in the beginning.  I was getting discouraged and felt like just giving up.  My husband however, got more and more involved and went to church services three times a week.  I stayed at home.  I begged him to stay home with me, but he refused.  I finally met the couple in the trailer across from ours.  They were party people.  I began smoking weed with them on occasion.  Before long they introduced me to some other people in the small town we lived in.  There were under 500 people in the town, yet the town square had 5 bars.  I began to meet a lot of people that frequented the bars.  I was getting more disillusioned with my marriage.  My husband and I were growing apart.  He wanted to continue going to church and I wanted to party and drink.  Things started going downhill fast.
To Be Continued……
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About teeks55

I'm a sleep deprived antique dealer with fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, diabetes & more. Love hubby, cats, books & humor! Avid tea drinker. Poker player. Pain fighter.
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One Response to The Erosion of a Life and a Mind ~ Part Five

  1. suzjones says:

    Depo sucks big time. You poor thing, I know exactly what constant PMS feels like. 😦

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