The Erosion of a Life and a Mind ~ Part Four


ero·sion

noun \i-ˈrō-zhən\

: the gradual destruction of something by natural forces (such as water, wind, or ice) : the process by which something is eroded or worn away.

Related Words
breakdown, decay, decomposition, disintegration, dissolution
Once I became a christian, I realized that I had to forgive people for what they had done to me.  God had forgiven me of so much.  Therefore, I had to forgive my dad.  I had to forgive his wife.  Even though it was extremely difficult for me to let down my defenses….I finally began to try to accept Laura and forgive my dad.  Things started getting a little easier when my sister and I would go for our visits to dad’s house.  Laura was sincere, and really tried hard to gain my acceptance and trust, and finally I began to learn to like her as a person.  I saw that she was not the witch I had painted her as, in my mind.  She kept trying, even when I treated her harshly.  She just wanted us all to get along.  She had no kids of her own, so she really wanted things to work between us.  I was just beginning to really get to genuinely like her.  And then dad came by our house one day, with some news.
Mom had saved her money from working at the bank, and managed to purchase a nice, new three bedroom house a short time after my spiritual conversion, so we had finally moved out of the rental.  Dad came over to the new house and asked me to come out to his car, he wanted to tell me something.  I had no idea what it could possibly be.  I got in on the passenger side, while he sat behind the wheel.  He stared straight ahead, with a hundred-yard stare on his face, yet his eyes brimmed with tears.  I said, What is it, Dad?  He told me that he and Laura were getting a divorce. The tears began to spill over and run down his cheeks.  I could not believe what I was hearing.  After all this time of struggling to learn to accept Laura, and finally getting past the walls I had built up and learning to actually like her….they were now splitting up.  I then learned that there was someone else in Dad’s life.  Her name was Barb.  I remember staring at him in disbelief.  I didn’t know what to say.  He told me what a nice woman Barb was, and that I would really like her.  I think I recall my mouth hanging open in utter shock.  How could he be serious?  At that moment, I thought he was the most pathetic person I’d ever met in my life.  I got out of the car, and after sitting there a minute, he drove away.
After the stunning news from Dad, I tried to process what was about to happen.  Now, everything had changed again.  Laura was out of the picture.  A new woman was taking her place.  And I had to start all over again.
My dad was beginning to have health problems about this time.  He had had a couple minor heart attacks and was in the hospital, recovering.  One day my sister and I decided to surprise him with a visit in the hospital.  We stopped in at the information desk, and found out what his room number was.  We took the elevator to the right floor, found the door to his room, and began to tiptoe in.  When we peeked around the drawn curtain to his bed, to our shock and surprise, there was a woman practically laying on top of him in the hospital bed, and they were kissing.  When our presence was finally noticed, dad’s and the woman’s eyes got big and she quickly jumped down and straightened her clothes.  My dad looked like he was about to choke.  He was beet red with embarrassment.  We just stared at them both for a minute, then slowly backed out of the room and took off.  That was our first look at our new step-mother to be.
I thought to myself, “And you thought Laura was bad…..!”
After dad made his recovery and got released from the hospital, then came the weekly visitation times, only this time with Barb.  This woman was really a piece of work.  She was the only daughter of a rich farmer and she acted the part.  She was an executive secretary at a very prestigious company.  She had money like you wouldn’t believe.  And she hated me on sight.
My little sister, she didn’t have a problem with, for some reason.  But I could tell right away that there were going to be big problems between Barb and I.  She never allowed me to be alone with my dad….ever.  She always wanted to be right in the middle of everything.  She let me know in no uncertain terms, that “Jimmy Nichols” was HERS and that I came in a slow second.  I think she could see the wounded animal in me, and decided to make sure that I got the message loud and clear that I would not be allowed to have any time alone with my father.  She was actually jealous of my relationship with my own father.  I still don’t understand why, in her twisted thinking, she thought of me as a threat to her relationship with my dad.  But it was unmistakeable……she was out to put me in my place.  And she loved every minute of it.
I was still attending church, trying to regain what I’d lost from those first couple years, spiritually.  Trying to rekindle the fire, the peace, the joy that I had received from my experience with God those first two years, before the church stole it from me.  I stubbornly kept going to church, even though I felt like I was going crazy…..convinced that I must be doing something wrong, and that if only I kept going to church like I was told I had to do, I would eventually find my way back.  Sadly, the more I continued attending church, the worse my spiritual and emotional condition got.  I began to feel such intense anxiety….worried that I was losing my grip, losing my faith, losing my mind.  My thoughts were spinning.  I asked for help from other christians.  Some were kind to me, tried to help me.  They spoke words of comfort and peace, but I just could not get back what I had originally.  Some told me I had to find my own way and left me to try to find my way, alone.  I struggled for nearly seven years, but that wonderful peace I’d found in the beginning was so elusive.  God became a distant memory, a lost love.  Someone who had abandoned me for some unknown reason.  
I lived with a group of young christian girls in a big old house.  We all had jobs.  I was working at an insurance company at the time.  I was so messed up spiritually and mentally at that point, I was only getting a few hours of sleep a night, if that….then having to get up and work a full time job.  It was really getting bad.  Everything in my life was really screwed up.  I was struggling just to maintain and keep my head together.
During this time, I met a young man at church.  He was so kind and had a sparkle in his eye.  I felt safe around him.  He treated me like a queen.  I had dated some other guys in the church but none sparked my interest like this guy.  He made me feel like I wasn’t alone.  He was so nice to me.  I thought I loved him.  We began to think about getting married.
To Be Continued……….
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About teeks55

I'm a sleep deprived antique dealer with fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, diabetes & more. Love hubby, cats, books & humor! Avid tea drinker. Poker player. Pain fighter.
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2 Responses to The Erosion of a Life and a Mind ~ Part Four

  1. suzjones says:

    Thank you for continuing this story (as painful as it must be). I truly hope that healing is taking place. 🙂

  2. This is a fascinating story you are telling. I can’t believe your Dad. I had serious issues with my mother, yet I knew the only solution was to forgive her. My breakthrough came when I realized I could forgive her, but didn’t have to let her in my life. Then I could forgive, and move on.

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