Well, here I am again, doing laundry at 2am. I read a few blogs, watched an episode of “The Americans” (I bought the first season on Amazon Instant Video) and waited for the load of towels in the washing machine to go through it’s cycle.
It was an icy day and now it’s a bitter cold night. Hubby is sleeping soundly in his recliner, the cats asleep in their beds. I am in a peaceful mood…. I have plenty of reading material to keep me occupied while I wait for the towels to tumble dry. I don’t have to fold the towels right away, so technically I could go to bed….. but I am up, and I am waiting, and I’m in the mood for words tonight….reading and writing. I have 3 Rolling Stone magazines, a novel that I’m almost done with and a few People & US magazines to flip through. Also have some good books loaded on my tablet Also the Medscape app. I love having lots of reading material on hand at all times. I cannot stand to have an idle mind. I want… no, I need plenty of stuff to read…..an idle mind is something I truly can’t tolerate. Boredom is excruciating to me.
I haven’t been writing on here much lately, because now, after starting the “Erosion” series (my life story), I feel the pressure to continue with it and it is so extraordinarily painful to rehash it all. I know, people probably think….for god’s sake, it happened so long ago….are you still upset over all that crap? Answer, in a word….yes. Even though I am 58 years old (I still can’t believe that I’m that old)….yes, I am still upset over all that crap. Every year when Christmas rolls around, I get this inevitable, gut-twisting ache. The memory of splitting time between mom’s house and dad’s house just makes me nearly ill. Celebrating Christmas has never been a good experience for me.
This year we are finally doing it my way. No family get-togethers. Well, maybe my mom will come over. My sister and I have issues, so I decided rather than subject myself to the ridiculousness of “getting together” when I just seriously don’t want to (for many reasons)…. hubby and I will stay home and just relax and enjoy some time watching Shameless on television and eat soup and sandwiches. Perfect. If my mom wants to come, that’s fine….she’s 82 and who knows how many more years she’ll be with us. She is not a problem now. I hope actually, that she will want to come. But that’s it. I am a big girl now and don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I don’t have to allow people to manipulate me into participating in Christmas when it’s the last thing I want to do. This is my year. My turn. My way. Finally.
Anyway, regarding the “Erosion” series….. I wish I hadn’t started it. But I know that I need to finish it. I just have been procrastinating because it’s painful. I’ve been avoiding coming here to write because I feel the pressure to get through it. I then just recently decided that I would just get to it when I get to it. This is a blog. I am not doing it on contract. I don’t have to meet a deadline. I am just a woman, with a story to tell. Just only in chunks….not all at once. All at once, I’m afraid it would kill me. Just kidding, but not really. I will get to it when I get to it. So be patient, okay?
The rest of the story will come. But it might take me a while to complete it. If you are really interested in the rest of it, just stay tuned. I will get to it. In my time, in my way. I am still learning how to be my own person, even after 58 years on this earth. I am learning how to do things on my own terms. Doing things in my own way and my own time, and realizing it’s okay not to cave in and do what others expect of me (against my will or be manipulated). Pleasing myself and the people who are important to me. Me first. For a change. I think it’s about time.