Writing Our Stories….Catharsis? Or Articulating the Agony?

“There is a notion propagated in modern life that “talking it out” will somehow make everything better. It’s a lie. All talking does is articulate the agony. You have to get it out because you have to get it out. But it’s not like vomiting up a toxic meal. You don’t suddenly feel purged, scoured, cleansed, and ready to start anew. All you feel is: I’ve said it….and nothing has changed.” ~ Douglas Kennedy, “Leaving The World”

I have felt the pressure to finish what I started when I began writing about my past in the Erosion series.  No one has put pressure on me to finish except my own self.  In some ways, I am a very structured person and like to finish what I start.  Although I felt it would be cathartic for me to share with the world my story, I found that it only dredged up the sadness, the desolation of spirit from those days gone by, and more.  I will probably not continue with it.  The above quote puts into words why I probably won’t finish it.

I don’t know for sure whether the pain it would cause to finish it would outweigh the discomfort I will feel for leaving something I started, undone.  LOL  That is my mind, folks….  like Gilda Radner’s character, Emily Latella, always used to say….”it’s always something”.

In any event, I apologize to those who were following the progression of the story and were looking forward to the last installments.  Some things are better left alone, buried under years of forced neglect and intentional forgetfulness.  When you stir up the dust, you stir up things that should maybe not be disturbed once the dust has settled….you don’t want to get it flying through the air once again.

Once, a long time ago, I had planned on writing my life story….a book.  I began, much like here on this blog…but the pain it caused me was too great.  womancoveringeyes I could not bring to mind all the things that has caused me so much anguish in my life.  I chose to toss the first chapters I’d written and move on, away from the past and away from the pain.  I had thought that maybe once I faced down all my demons, then I would come away feeling free.  But it only rocked the boat, upset the apple cart, and caused me to feel defeated and almost physically ill.

Of course, all that happens to all of us in our pasts is what makes us who we are today.  I often want to share with the world why I am the way I am, by telling them what happened to me.  I figure it will help people understand all my idiosyncrasies, all my intense mood swings, my rage, my sadness.  I also figured it would help ME understand why I am the way I am, by reminding myself of all I’ve been through.  So I would not be so hard on myself when I fail so miserably at life and relationships with other people.

I am learning that although the past holds the key that unlocks many of the mysteries of who we are and why we have become who we are….at the same time, the present moment holds the key to who we can become from here on out.  And I think that is probably what we should focus on.

Yes, the past made me who I am.  But I can take each day that I have left on this earth, and shape my tomorrows by what I do today.  Because really, that’s all that matters now.  If I choose to allow my past to rule me for the rest of my life, then I will never be fully and truly free.  womanarmsraised Once I release those things and let them go, I can start to walk a new path.  A path that I choose, as an adult with freedom of choice, freedom of will….and that is liberating.

I have a long way to go before I can fully release all the things that tie me down from the past.  But all it takes is one step at a time, and even though it sounds like a cliche, it really is true.  One step at a time, with me facing forward, not back.  Walking toward good things, and not bad things.  Living free, not bound.  I really want that for myself.  I think we all do.

(Quote was taken from the book “Leaving The World” by Douglas Kennedy 2010)


About teeks55

I'm a sleep deprived antique dealer with fibromyalgia, RA, diabetes & more. Love hubby, cats, books & humor! Avid tea drinker. Poker player. Pain fighter.
Quote | This entry was posted in Anger Management, Appreciation, Best Self, Blogging, Challenges, Changes, Choices, Clear Mind, courage, Depression, Emotions, Empowerment, Endurance, Focus, Forgiveness, Health, Hope, Inner Strength, Life Journey, Life Path, Past Experiences, Peace, Personality, Recognition, Sadness, Seasons, Self Image, Self Love, Sharing, Solitude, Survival, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Writing Our Stories….Catharsis? Or Articulating the Agony?

  1. I am learning that although the past holds the key that unlocks many of the mysteries of who we are and why we have become who we are….at the same time, the present moment holds the key to who we can become from here on out. And I think that is probably what we should focus on.”

    I couldn’t agree with this more. Thanks for sharing what you have, I completely understand and respect your decision to stop where you did. Here’s to looking forward not backward. 🙂

  2. One step at a time is the best course of action. That gets me through my days and helps me keep going even when the pain tries to hold me down. I believe that things come up in our mind when we need to deal with them and release them, so there is no need for us to force negative past thoughts upon ourselves. What ever you feel inside is the positive thing to do, that is all that matters. I am with you in he hat ever you choose!

  3. suzjones says:

    You can’t change the past, but the past has changed you – it has made you who you are today. I had the same discussion with my mother the other day when she was lamenting my time with my ex. I pointed out that if I hadn’t had that time with him, I would not have my precious son and I would not be the person I am today.
    Apparently what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Although I’m not 100% sure of that, I know that I’m tired of testing that theory.

  4. Trisha says:

    I can understand why you are choosing to not complete the series. Best to leave the past in the past and move onward. Like you say, one step at a time. It’s all any of us can do.

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