Don’t Wanna Be Ugly…..


My sweet man

I see you and I realize

how lucky I am

that you come home to me

every night

even when my attitude

and my moods

and the words I say

come out harshly

and grouchy.

When you look at me

I can see in your eyes

how you don’t know what to say

and you don’t know what to do,

so you retreat

until I get my bearings

one more time,

and get my head together.

You endure so much

of this painful journey

right along with me,

even though you could have walked away

a thousand times…

You still chose to stay

and walk with me

through the hard times,

the bad times,

the horrible times

and the good times.

I am sorry that I act ugly

and you have to see it.

You deserve so much more

than I give,

but I want to do better

It’s just so hard when

I am carrying this baggage

dragging it around

inside of this body

and it will never go away,

will never heal or improve.

I don’t want to be ugly

when you are with me

I want to smile and laugh

like we used to

before this pain monster

came to live in me.

Please help me God,

to not let the pain

make me act ugly

so he won’t want to run away

and leave me behind.

Babe, I want to be everything

you deserve,

but I need your patience

and your understanding

to get through it all.

I don’t wanna be ugly…

I want to smile

for you….

but some days that smile

takes more effort than moving a mountain.

I know that you know,

you’ve been with me since the beginning.

And you’ve watched the transformation

in me

and it hasn’t been pretty.

I don’t wanna be ugly….

I want to smile for you….

Stay with me my sweet love,

and I will try

to not let it make me bitter

and harsh and cynical

and cold.

I can see the spark still lights up

in your eyes

when we connect,

and that’s all I need

to bring me up from the depths

of despair….

Help me smile, my sweet love.

Help me smile.

I don’t wanna be ugly….

I want to smile for you.

(this poem is the intellectual property of The Nocturnal Laundress ~ Julie Nichols © 2014)


About teeks55

I'm a spoiled rotten wife. Reader. Crazy cat lady. Aging bohemian hippie. Poker player. Pain fighter. Dealing with Fibro, RA, Diabetes & more.
This entry was posted in Anger, Anger Management, Arthritis, Challenges, Changes, Choices, Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Clear Mind, Depression, Discouragement, Emotions, Endurance, Fibromyalgia, Focus, Forgiveness, Health, Hope, Irritability, Life Journey, Menopause, Osteoarthritis, Peace, Sadness, Self Hate, Self Image, Survival, Tendinitis and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Don’t Wanna Be Ugly…..

  1. Love this…. I can relate so well to your words…

  2. tlohuis says:

    I love this, Julie girl. Where you been hiding? I really miss you and our chats.:)
    Peace, love, and hugs,
    Wild Thang:)

    • teeks55 says:

      HUGS xoxoxo A lot has been going on, I will try to get on here and share soon. I just haven’t felt like writing much lately….too zapped to dredge it all up….just stuff. All I want to do here lately is just be by myself and read…. I keep getting orders, which is a good thing I guess, but that means packing stuff and it hurts my arthritic hands and my injured arthritic thumb SO BAD. OMG. Right now, I have had to up my dose of vicodin from 3 a day to 4 due to the pain in my hands, thumb and lumbar spine. I have so much to tell you….but I’m not in the mood right now. Check out my Facebook page, and scroll down, you can see some of what’s been going on…
      Love you WT….xoxo

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